Still Not A Blog

Evil Genius: Criminal Behaviour I Would Be Engaged in if I Wasn’t A Good Person

Posted in work by Greg on the August 21st, 2007

I have often mused about the scams I would be running if I wasn’t a Baha’i.  I’m cursed with a criminal mind.  Everywhere I look there are fantastic opportunities to illicitly profit.  I am forced to merely shake my head and “lament” the fact that I “can’t” take advantage of these opportunities.  I like to think that if I was criminally inclined, that I would be a damn good criminal.  Luckily for me, and perhaps you, I’m not :)  Here are the top 5 scams I would be running if I was a bad person.

#5.) Bank Robbery – Comparatively, this is high risk.  Which is why it’s number 5.  But, it’s not nearly as risky as it first appears, which is why it makes the list.  Banks focus on creating an environment that discourages robbery. Once someone decides to do it, there isn’t much that can be done.  I’ve seen dozens of stories about people that walk into banks, demand money and walk out.  Often, they are not caught.  Those that are, could have been more successful with a little planning.  Or common sense.  Like realizing that taping tree branches to your head does not make a good disguise.

bank robber

#4.) Multilevel Marketing (MLM) – There is almost no risk involved in this scam.  It easy to stay on the legal side of the pyramid scheme.  The downside is that it’s a tough sell.  But I’m a good sales person. And there are a lot of fools out there looking to make a buck.  Greedy people make the easiest marks :)  They key is to start your own organization, so that you can be at the top of the pyramid.


#3.) ATM Hacks – There are two main methods I would focus on.  The easier, is to gain administrator access to an ATM machine, and redefine  what denominations are in which tray.  For example, you tell the machine that the tray that holds $100 bills is the $20 tray.  Then when you withdraw $20 with your ATM card, you get $100 instead.  A tidy profit.  Amazingly, many of those 3rd party ATMs in little shops (you know the ones, the ones that charge you a $5 fee) have default passwords to their admin accounts!  And this doesn’t take any special skills, just selecting some options in the configuration menus.

The more difficult method is to buy your own ATM machine, reprogram it, and set it up somewhere.  People come up to the ATM, insert their card, enter their PIN and try to withdraw money.  The machine gives a transaction error and spits back the card.  Your victim shrugs and goes off looking for another ATM.  Little do they know that you just recorded all of their account information and now have their PIN code. Sneaky.


#2.) eBay – eBay is a great place to cheat people.  There are tons of ways to do it.  Just the other day, I chanced upon a great example.  This guy was selling his luxury SUV.  For $150 you would receive 1 envelope out of a stack of 150.  1 of these envelopes has the keys to the car.  The rest have $10 bills.  Maybe this guy was honest, but more likely than not, he just sent everyone 10 bucks.  And kept the car. If he even had a car in the first place.  Who would know?

suv x5

#1.)  Identity Theft – This has the most potential for lucrative returns.  With the proper precautions, you can evade the law indefinitely.  Since I am in the IT industry, most of my methods would involve computers.  I would install key loggers on any computer that I came into proximity of to collect passwords.  I would read the obituaries to find people that have just died.  And open credit accounts in their names.  I would buy used hard drives on eBay and use my disaster recovery tools to recover peoples personal files.  You think you deleted it? You think you formatted and now its gone?  Good.  That’s what i want you to think :)


Hopefully this view into the darker recesses of my mind makes you more aware of some of the ways people are trying to cheat you.  And hopefully it doesnt give you any ideas.  I’m certainly not going to post your bail :)

38 Responses to 'Evil Genius: Criminal Behaviour I Would Be Engaged in if I Wasn’t A Good Person'

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  1. Pierre said,

    on August 21st, 2007 at 2:34 pm

    I have to say I like the order as well…..Not that I, Pierre Pickens the first, would ever consider such acts… ;)

  2. nas said,

    on August 21st, 2007 at 5:09 pm

    Ah, glad to know I made a wise choice when I said that vow. Nothing like having a criminal-minded husband who uses subjunctives to assure me he wouldn’t really engage in such schemes, despite the fact that he happens to have thought them out so well in his “spare time.”

    Meanwhile, Pierre the first, huh? Is there a second on the way that we should know about?

  3. Aaron said,

    on August 22nd, 2007 at 12:46 pm

    I can’t believe someone stole my tree-branch idea.

  4. +mojan. said,

    on August 23rd, 2007 at 4:33 am

    This is hilarious.

  5. Andrew said,

    on August 28th, 2007 at 2:39 am

    Greg, that first sentence made me laugh so hard I spewed my drink all over me. Thanks for that. But seriously. I’m really glad you’re using your skills for good instead of evil. Thanks for that, even moreso.

  6. eric said,

    on August 29th, 2007 at 12:37 am

    I would be honored to be your head minion, my Dark Liege.

  7. mykgerard said,

    on September 16th, 2007 at 11:12 pm

    Greg, you are one of the best examples I know of the transformative power of the Word of God. Don’t ever stop reading it! lol….

    btw.. can you help me out by giving me the info about which antispam word wordpress plugin you use. I tried one that didn’t work out, and I just went through 500 spam messages.. lol

  8. Artemis said,

    on September 17th, 2007 at 11:03 am

    Yes dear “this is still not a blog”….it’s evidence!

    Also, hope that it wasn’t Eric Horton who said that thing about being a minion considering where he works and that these are all financial crimes!

    I love how he calls it an opportunity!

  9. Greg said,

    on September 17th, 2007 at 11:25 am

    @aaron – that should be your halloween custome this year

    @eric – I accept you as my minion. welcome to the darkness.

    @myk – im using the “peter’s custom anit-spam” plugin

    @artemis – That’s actually eric smith. Some might say a supressed criminal genius in his own right.

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